Dear Kiddo: I’ll Never Stop Looking

Dear Kiddo,

It was Canada Day, and I thought I saw you in the many faces of the crowd at the celebration we were at as a family. I knew it wasn’t likely to be you, but I still stopped, and did a double take. I don’t know what I would have done if it was you, really.

Did you know I do this? I search crowds for kids your age, and I try to imagine what you are like. Sometimes I look for you, hoping that I might catch a glimpse of you in your natural ways, a chance for me to reunite with you. But it’s not even that. I can’t help but look for you, I just do it.

I wonder if you know I’m looking for you. It’s odd to me; We lived in the same city for many years, and we never really ran into each other. One time I saw you playing at a park, and my heart stopped. Another time, my husband saw you, and you actually played with your brother. I wasn’t there, of course. I felt a lot of guilt and regret about that.

I was told by the agency that because I had “willingly” gave you up, that I wouldn’t do this. This maddening search for you, even when I know it’s completely in vain. As the years have gone now, I’ve grown more accustomed to the way I naturally search for your face in all these crowds, hoping to see you,  but never really thinking you’ll appear. The truth is, Kiddo, I’ve never stopped looking for you. I think that it’s just this natural instinct for a parent who has lost; maybe, just maybe in the many faces of those children around, we’ll see each other, and that void will be grafted together again.

Even when I’m not looking for you, I am. I’ve spent every single day since I relinquished you, aching to have you back in my arms, and to reunite with you. This instinct, the Mother’s instinct, is terribly powerful. I still feel connected to you, even though I haven’t seen, touched, or spoken to you in years. I hope, I really hope, that one day I’ll be able to explain this to you better. To tell you of this epic search, and give you the final happy ending, where we do reunite, when I do see your face in the crowd, and we embrace, like the lost souls we are.

Oh Kiddo, I love you. I miss you. I’ll never stop looking. Never.

Love,

Mom

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